RELATION'S CORE & PERIPHERALS

1. I had started liking a girl 4 years back. I didn't know then what i was looking for, but since I had said yes to her, i cant leave her now, even though i keep finding better women each day, and i deserve much better, but since commitment is sacrosanct to me, I cant leave her.

2. I have a boyfriend since 3 years, and he dotes on me, so I just cant leave him. I don't like him so much, and I have bumped into two great guys in the last year. But since I have been with my boyfriend for so long, I (have fooled myself to) believe that he is the kind of guy I want.

3. I have been married since three years, and i have never liked my husband. I always deserved a better man, but since it was an arranged marriage, I cant walk out. Though i constantly keep meeting other guys, hoping that i wish one of them were my husband instead, but since marriage is sacrosanct, i cant break it.

4. I have to get married according to my family and my elder brother's wishes. They will surely do the best for me. I have to live through the marriage, but because they are so concerned for me, they will find the best match for me.

5. When I am away from her, I don't like her so much, but whenever I am with her, she makes me feel very good ( she manipulates me very well). And since we have committed, we have to marry now.

Does any of this sound familiar to you?
Something that either you, or someone close to you had said, or still says.

People meet each other, fall in love without knowing what they are looking for in the long term, or fall in love, just because someones cares for them. Some women fall in love because the guy is is a good guitar player, or because he looks so good, or because he has a great sense of humor.

But then, slowly, but definitely, reality dawns upon everybody, and they realize they wanted something else, but they got a raw deal, all because of their own erroneous judgment. But instead of accepting that they can err, they keep flowing in the same relation, and keep inventing reasons, all of which are peripherals or illusions like commitment, sanctity of love, unbreakable marriage, unconditional love, and whatever else the society has ever conjured up.

A relation between a man and a woman is only achieved when their cores match. The age old peripherals like societal face saving, unconditional love, etc. only sustain a relation by imbibing guilt in people, so that partners are unable to leave each other, even if they want to.

Don't say yes, or remain committed just because you have accidentally brought a person to the point where he/ she said yes to you. Don't let guilt drive a relation, because if u let it stay in the driver's seat, then that is the only driver the relation will ever have. Don't let society or your family, marriage, and other peripherals keep your relation intact and keep you fooled into remaining committed. Break out if the cores have stopped carrying any meaning, and only the peripherals matter.

Go ahead and commit, but commit only when you are sure its a commitment from equals, and you would truly feel committed, and it is mutual. Stop fooling yourself!
Do yourself and the other person a favor. If you think the other person is intelligent enough, explain the whole situation to him/ her. He/ She may improve, but if that is not possible, Walk Out before it is too late, and Save Yourself !

PEOPLE ALWAYS LEAVE ME

Its ironical when you nurture a relationship a lot, and then the other person abandons you. And mostly without notice, but at times, the two of you slowly drift away.
If this happens a few times, it alright, but when this happens again and again, isn't it time to think why its happening?

The first reaction is- People always leave me! Boo Hoo Hoo. This is what you imagine, and this is what you tell all your friends, and all potential friends/ others. This either lets them sympathize with you, or it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. The ones who start sympathizing, get closer, and start seeing the real you, and the ones who are on the verge of leaving, start moving out.

But why are some people on the verge of leaving you at all, thats the point.

One reason could be that you have yourself been pushing out people, either by expecting too much from them, or wailing too much in front of them, or doing something that gives u pleasure and gives them pain. And its most probably your doing thats driving out people.

Another reason could be that you choose people who are in some state of dependency, or emotional/physical/sexual need. And satisfying their need satisfies you in return. And as soon as their needs are met, they have to walk out. But its only you who can be blamed for bringing it upon yourself, not them.

The third possibility is the vice versa of the second one, and so, people walk out as soon they realize that u don't need any more comforting from them.

So check yourself, and you'll realize it is more of your doing rather than anybody else's, that people leave you often.

THINK LIKE YOUR BELOVED

When you are in a relation, check out things from the other person's perspective first. That’s more important. You can check your side anytime.

A very easy way is to understand the other person’s actions/ reactions well. If he/ she is angry at you, instead of trying where to put the blame, try to understand why the other person is behaving in this way. And very soon you will understand that most fights/ misunderstandings happen because of mismatch of expectations. You expect something and your beloved expects something else. You take him for granted, and he takes you for granted, and very soon differences crop up.

Its better you talk, and thrash out even the last expectation that you have from each other. If you think the expectation is worthless, then drop it. If you think its not, then either fulfill it, or express your inability to fulfill it, so that it may be kept aside. You are feeling hurt over something he said. Why not try to probe his mind over why he said so? You want to go to a party, and you expect that she will come along. Are you sure? Are you really sure? Or are you just assuming? Why don’t you just ask?

But don’t be too sure that asking will give you the right answer. Its better you watch her/ his reactions every time. He may be doing it just to please u. Do you think talking is enough to have a good emotional relation? Life would have been so easy that way. It is not, you have to go a little further.

He keeps advising you not to do something, and you get mad every time. It’s good to have a good logical discussion. But why not go deeper and address the real expectation and concern, which you will understand only when you start stepping into the shoes of the person, start thinking like him. It’s very deep seated its part of your fundamentals like family, culture, environment etc. So it takes time and effort to sink in, but doing so is possible.

Try to wear the shoes of your beloved, and ask them to wear yours. Check how he/ she sees life, you, everybody, everything. Before doing something think how she will feel about this action. And very soon, it will become part of your daily habits. But still beware; never take him/ her for granted. You may not be able to understand them perfectly, or they may change with time. Allow that, it’s normal. But be prepared for it.

Try thinking like she does, and then as soon as you see an argument brewing, without discussion, you will know how to come onto a common set of understanding, and understand each others expectations. And this will not lead to a mutual discussion; it will lead to mutual admiration!

Just see things as he/ she sees, then you will immediately find the apple of discord- mismatch of expectations. Harmonize your stated and unstated expectations, and the two of you will be blessed for life.

PS: Just think, if you can do this for your beloved, why not try doing it also for a friend/ family member, and see another relation being transformed !

SELLING SADNESS

Why are some people always depressed. Even though they are not suffering from depression caused through a biological cause ? And why are there smaller versions of these people who keep becoming sad for some time, and then become normal again.

Are these people enjoying sadness ?

The first kind of people listen to sad songs, watch sad movies, talk bout broken relationships, betrayal in love etc. on a continuous basis! They like to be "perpetually sad" when there is no sadness in their life. It seems that they enjoy sadness and the pleasure that comes along with being sad.

And the other kind just spends some time with such people, enjoys that vicarious sadness at some one else's expense, or may just feel triumphant for not going through the same phase in life.

It is like being able to visualize the departure of a loved one for five minutes at the expense of someone else's real tragedy. It is like being able to live through a betrayal in love, when nothing like that has happened. It is like living through a state of misery when you are really rich. etc.

And then there are people who encourage such behaviour- the age old media, which also sells sadness.

You find these sellers of sadness everywhere. They also keep making sad movies, psychedelic songs, tragic novels etc for you. And some how you keep subscribing to all this and fall into this trap of enjoyment through sadness. Isn't it high time you stop buying them !

Why cant you just replace the artificial tragedy in your life with something cheerful? Even though it is as fake, all that happiness will not causing you or your loved ones any harm. Will it ?

THE BASE OF ALL RELATIONS: RESPECT

What according to you is the base of all relations? Father-Daughter, Wife-Husband, Friend-Friend etc ? What bonds them to each other?
It is love in family and friendship outside the family, or some other feeling that depends on the nature of the relation. Do you think that the base varies with all relations?
Scrutinize your relations. There will be one common thread through all of them all. That will be Respect. Yes, Respect is the base of all relations.

Whom do you love the most. In turn you will respect them the most. Who have stopped carrying meaning to you? The ones who lost your respect.

Respect is not a quality associated with old age or based on some other necessary condition. It follows a very simple logic- You have to be worthy enough to earn somebody's respect. Respect is a spontaneous admiration of somebody else's specific qualities and general personality, no way related to age, caste, sex etc.

You don't respect someone because he is your father. He has to prove himself worthy of that title. Your mother, wife, friend etc have to prove themselves to be worthy of that title, else that title remains, the underlying feeling disappears.

The day you loose respect for your father, you don't like to spend a single moment more with him. He will still be a father, because you cant undo your birth, but you will prefer to disassociate yourself from him.

The day you loose respect for your wife, even if she looks like a fairy, you would not love
her anymore. You will prefer divorce, than to spend more time pretending to love her.

The day you loose respect for a friend, that friendship stops carrying meaning. You will mentally move out of the friendship, as that friend will become irrelevant to you.

Scrutinize your own actions. You will be a real mother, husband, girlfriend, son, friend only if your actions earn you the respect of your daughter, wife, boyfriend, father, friend etc. Respect will always be the base of all relations. Destroy respect, and the relation will become
superficial, if it remains at all.

Earn respect of your spouse, friend, family member, everybody, because without it, all your relations are really meaningless.

HUSBAND/ FATHER// WIFE/ MOTHER

Men will tend to look for an image of their mothers in their wives, and women will tend to search for their fathers in their husbands.
Sad but True !

The first male that a woman comes in contact with, is her father. Naturally, if he is a good father, she will like her husband to match him. He should be able to offer her the comfort and security that her father offered to her. If he cannot, he can't be a good husband.

If the father was a bad father, or if she lost him early on, she can react in two ways.
She can either create the image of an ideal father in her brain, and for a man to match this image is even more difficult.
Or, she can start hating and mistrusting all men, and it would be very difficult to turn around such a woman.

So, when you see your wife complaining to you about anything, see what part of her is trying to talk to you (See below: TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS). She may be missing the protective shield that her family provided to her. If she is trying to look for some emotional comfort from you, its the C-----P path that she is following. She has come like a good daughter to you, and its your job to behave like a good father at that moment. Give her emotional support, hold her close, comfort her. Follow the P----C path in talking to her.

But if you try to advise her over "the way in which the world works", or some other adult talk, which is an A-----A conversation, do it at your own peril. By following this path, you would just create a crossed transaction, and it will immediately create conflict between you two.

The converse of this also applies to men.

So , stop complaining that it's so difficult to understand the other sex. See what is expected out of you, and reply accordingly.
Just do this bit, and the two of you will share a higher level of understanding.

TRANSACTIONAL ANALYSIS
Taken from Dr. Eric Berne, MD.

What this theory says is that, every person comprises three sub- personalities:

Parent: the remnant of his parents instructing him/ her over things and morality.
Adult: The rational, logical brain.
Child: Remnants of childhood, the child who likes to have fun and be cared for.

Moreover, if someone is talking to you, you should be able to gauge what part of the person is making the statement, and to which part is it addressed.
If you reply from the same sub- personality as the speaker intends you to, you get a normal transaction (talk).
But if you reply from a different sub- personality, you cross the transaction, and create conflict.
e.g.:
You: I have misplaced the keys. Have you seen them? (intended as A-----A, adult to adult conversation)
Me: Why cant you take care of your stuff. You are so irresponsible. (P----C, parent to child conversation)

explanation: 'You' just asked me a question (A----A), and expected an (A----A) reply. But when I hear you make that statement, for whatever reason, I take it as (C----P), a child asking a parent, and I reply along the same path (P-----C).

This is a crossed transaction, the paths of (A----A) and (P-----C) intersect, and such a conversation is bound to raise conflict.

So try to spot what your friend, spouse, etc... is trying to tell you, and answer along the same path. Else you will create conflict.

THE MALE DICHOTOMY

Men normally like to date "hot" women, but marry women they can take to their moms.
And then men claim "It's so difficult to understand women".

Why such a dichotomy?

The most obvious answer is that men will instinctively run after beautiful women. So that's the kind they will date. But when it comes to marriage, they prefer someone homely. Why? Because at this conjuncture, they will remember their mom and sisters, and if they have been very homely, men will like a woman similar to them.

Men understand that they themselves are narrow minded and insecure. Such a man might love seeing g-strings on attractive women, but he cant tolerate that on his wife. Since his childhood, the image of woman that is hardwired into his brain is of a 'sati-savitri' (Hindi for ideal home-maker husband doter). So the 'type' of woman who shows her g-strings to people is not acceptable for marriage, but is ok for fun.

Men are inherently insecure with 'hot' women. They fear that they would not be able to keep 'such' women satisfied, either emotionally or physically in the long run. Moreover, they expect 'such' women to have a high libido, and because they don't understand the unconcerned way in which they behave, they cant keep 'such' women happy. (See FEMALE SEXUAL OPPRESSION below)

The only way out is that men need to break out of their foolish shells that they live in. They need to better focus on the needs of their partners, whatever they may be.
So, the best way to settle down in a relationship is to get out of this dichotomy and marry the person who attracts you most and keep you satisfied for life. Else, any marriage not based on attraction (see below: LOVE) is bound to fail.

WHAT WOMEN WANT
No, am not answering the whole question, just a very small part of it.

When a woman falls into a relationship, she normally looks for a man, who isn't a man right now, but can be groomed into one.
Women, by instinct, get attracted towards the male aggressiveness; but by logic, they know that it can be dangerous at times. This is not a dichotomy. All they want is controlled aggression, and only when required, whether for mental or for physical gratification.
This is something that most men fail to understand.

When a woman falls in a relationship, she normally likes men with boyish qualities. This is because, very few women have an appetite for aggressiveness at the outset. So they will normally date boys hidden in male bodies.
But when the question of marriage comes, they will need a man. He needs to be 'controlled' aggressive, mature......., what all boys cant be. This is difficult to achieve in men, because, they never understand what is expected out of them. The women, who were earlier very loving, appear to be very demanding. Coupled with other things, this leads to breakdowns in relationships.

So, for all men out there, realize that if you want to date a woman, show her the boy inside you. But if you want to marry her, reveal your mature manhood, if you have it, as soon as she is physically comfortable with you and starts trusting you.
Else that dating-courting game will never convert itself into a lasting relationship. The choice is yours.

Women will date boys and marry men.
Not a dichotomy, just a survival instinct.